Your goldfish can kick my dog's ass....

This is my dog...I've talked about him before.. His name is Pettie Wheatstraw...and he is a wimp...
Trust me on this one...so he's nasty a typical male dog.... he gives himself head but sometimes he get carried away and bites it...lmao..and he tries to bite is own foot and cries later when he actually bites it and realizes that it is attached to his body. Now that's a picture when he was a pup, hes bigger now and funkier. Not only that he is a true crack dog..I swear his mother had to be smoking crack when she gave birth cause he's always beating himself up. So anyways the blue animal in the picture was his girlfriend until he murder him...lol *yeah my dog acts pretty gay at times* anyways though hes destroyed everything he can get his hand on, plus he very greedy. He is always trying to eat..he eats my carpet, his liter in his liter box (lol..I know hes not a cat but he use to whine like one...and we'd call him cat dog) he also forces himself to poop so he can eat it, how gross, thats not right. But anyways hes so greedy that if you walk in the kitchen he stares, so we call him Kitchen Guard Dog. My brother is always trying to feed him when he visits while I have to explain to him that the dog just ate 5 minutes ago which is sad cause right after he finishes in two seconds flat , hes back to eating carpet again...and he also wants to be big and bad but he isn't...for example, like if he happens to see a little poodle he will barked at, but if the poodle barks back he runs away....and if they walk up to him he will hide behind me. He is a bitch in his own way like that...I've tried to make a man out of him but nothing works....sad thing is he's to thugish to be a house dog..but if you make him go outside and play in 70 degree weather, he will sit out there and shiver like he's freezing and will start to whine...how sad is that... So I'm pretty sure ...I'm postive that if you have any type of pet like a goldfish or a hamster... they will chew my dog up and spit out the pieces they don't like...but I do want him to get some balls soon cause if he doesn't use the ones he has...I'll be force to take them and I don't want that...so therefore...Does anyone have any suggestion on how to make him a little less sissyish.. u let me know?
peace loves
Jan

